It usually arrives casually, near the end, when the formal part is over and everyone has relaxed. "So, are you planning to have kids?" Or "How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?" Or "Where are you originally from?"
Most candidates freeze, answer honestly out of politeness, and then spend the evening working out whether they have just damaged their application by saying they have young children. The freeze is understandable: you are in a room with someone who has power over an outcome you want, the question feels friendly, and objecting seems disproportionate.
This guide is about having a response ready, because the difference between candidates who handle this well and badly is almost entirely preparation. It is very hard to improvise a good answer to a question you were not expecting and which has thrown you.
What is actually off limits
Under the Equality Act 2010 there are nine protected characteristics: age, disability, gender reassignment, marriage and civil partnership, pregnancy and maternity, race, religion or belief, sex, and sexual orientation. Employers may not discriminate on these grounds, and questions that go to them are generally unlawful at interview because they invite discrimination.
In practice, the questions that come up most are:
- Family and children. Are you planning a family, do you have children, what are your childcare arrangements, are you married. All problematic. An employer may ask whether you can meet the role's requirements, such as travel or specific hours, but not why you might not be able to.
- Age. How old are you, when did you finish school, when are you planning to retire.
- Health and disability. Employers generally may not ask about health or disability before making an offer, other than to arrange adjustments for the process or to establish whether you can perform an intrinsic function of the job. Questions about sickness absence records before an offer are usually not permitted.
- Nationality and origin. "Where are you from" or "where are you really from" is a common one that people often do not realise is a problem. Employers may ask whether you have the right to work in the UK. That is legitimate, and it should be asked of everyone equally.
- Religion. What is your religion, do you observe any holidays, are you free to work Sundays asked selectively.
- Sexual orientation, gender identity, relationship status.
- Trade union membership, or how you vote.
Two clarifications worth having. Some of these questions are lawful if asked of every candidate for a genuine occupational requirement, and monitoring forms that ask about ethnicity or disability separately from the hiring panel are legitimate and anonymous. And spent convictions under the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act generally do not have to be disclosed, though some roles are exempt.
Nothing here is legal advice. Acas offers free guidance if you want to talk something through.
Three ways to respond in the moment
The best response depends on whether you think the question is clumsy or hostile, and how much you still want the job. All three of these are legitimate.
1. Answer the concern, not the question. The most useful technique in most situations. Almost every inappropriate question has a legitimate worry sitting underneath it, and you can address that worry directly without giving up the protected information.
Question: "Do you have young children at home?"
Answer: "If you are asking whether I can commit to the travel and the hours in the job description, then yes, absolutely, and I have thought about it properly. I have run a similar schedule for the last three years without a problem."
This is calm, it does not accuse anyone, and it usually satisfies the interviewer completely because it gives them what they actually wanted. It also quietly signals that you know the question was not one to answer.
2. Ask, politely, why. Useful when you genuinely cannot see the concern, or when you want to slow the question down.
"That's an interesting one, can I ask how it relates to the role? Happy to answer if it's relevant to something specific."
Delivered lightly rather than sharply, this is not confrontational, and a well-meaning interviewer will usually reframe or withdraw it. An interviewer who presses on after that is telling you something useful.
3. Decline, briefly and without apology. Entirely reasonable, and there is no obligation to explain.
"I'd rather keep that one separate from the application, if that's alright. What I can tell you is..."
The redirect at the end matters: give them somewhere to go so the moment does not hang.
Whichever you choose, keep your tone even. The instinct to over-explain or to laugh it off and then answer fully is the one to resist.
What if you have already answered
Very common, and usually not a disaster. If you answered a question about children or age in the moment and want to close it down, you can add a line afterwards, either in the room or in your follow-up email:
"One thing I wanted to add on the earlier question about family. It has no bearing on my availability for the role, and I am fully able to meet the hours and travel we discussed."
That reframes the information as irrelevant rather than leaving it sitting there as a factor.
Deciding whether it is a red flag
Not every clumsy question is evidence of a discriminatory employer. A small business owner with no HR function who asks about your kids because they are trying to be friendly is different from a panel that probes your plans for a family three separate times. Use your judgement on:
- Was it once, casually, or repeatedly and deliberately?
- Did they take the redirect gracefully, or push?
- Was it framed as interest, or as a concern about your suitability?
- How did the rest of the process feel?
You are also interviewing them. A question like this is real data about the culture, and it is reasonable to weigh it. Some candidates decide the role is still right and the interviewer was simply untrained. Others decide it is not worth it. Both are valid.
If you want to take it further
If you believe you were discriminated against, options include raising it with the company's HR function or the recruitment agency, contacting Acas for free early conciliation advice, or in serious cases making an employment tribunal claim. Tribunal time limits are short, generally three months less one day from the act complained of, so get advice early rather than deciding months later.
Practically, write down what was said as soon as you can, with the date, who was present and the exact wording as best you remember it. Contemporaneous notes matter far more than a recollection reconstructed later.
Preparing for it
The single most useful thing is to decide in advance which of the three responses is yours, and to have said it out loud once. Candidates who have never considered the possibility almost always default to answering, because the social pressure in the room is strong and the alternative has not occurred to them.
Pick one, phrase it in your own words, and practise it once so it is available under pressure. That is the whole preparation. You can rehearse difficult and unexpected questions alongside the standard ones, so that being asked something you did not plan for stops feeling like an emergency and starts feeling like a normal part of the conversation.